As you can tell by the title, I’ve been looking deeply at myself just lately. To be honest since this started and I’m slowly changing things about myself, the happiness has been rising. After reading another blog, sadly I cannot remember who wrote this amazing blog.
It made me look deeply at why our girls could have separation anxiety and is there a chance it started with Anth or myself. Well Anth like our girls is extremely comfortable being alone, apart from for sleeping. He is fine to be on his own, to be honest like Jennifer prefers it. The only one of our girls that does experience this is Bella, our youngest daughter. For myself it is very hard to see her this way when I am leaving her. But since removing her from school she has got a lot better, she will now stay at families houses and even go and spend time at friends houses.
Yet, your laughing, you know Amy Carney, you’ve seen her filming in the street, you’ve seen her acting stupid, you’ve seen her big mouthed. Yeah, a lot of this is covering my worries about how much I’m sweating, that I’m not out with Anth beside me, that the girls are not with me. The best way to think of separation anxiety is to look at a child with a dummy, when that dummy is not there they don’t know how to comfort themselves. Well, this is separation anxiety, for me it’s being separated from Anth, he is my protector.
Your now likely thinking that I had separation anxiety from a child, actually no! When I was younger my mum left me with my grandparents due to going through a rough patch after I was sexually abused. My grandparents gave me everything they could afford, but I was passed around the family so they could work. Now I’m older I can understand this, but knew this wasn’t the right way of bringing up children. As my girls got older I noticed similar things about them that I did, like talking a lot when they got chance, being in their rooms a lot and not sure when we were going to be around (asking questions like “is it our day with you mummy?”). When social services got involved, they confirmed what I knew in my heart.
For me though never having security when growing up I was always looking for someone I loved. Until meeting Anth and I never realised what love was, you may think that is why I don’t want to be away from him, but no. Then when our girls came a long all I wanted to do was protect them, but sadly I was never quite strong enough. Then there was Anth, “Amy said no, so that means no”, he became my backup.
Having always been on my own to stand up for myself and now there was someone else. When people tried to tell me it was in my head, he would listen to me and not say straight away “well I know what your like”. We would discuss how it made me feel and he would remember things that I’d forgotten. Then tell the person, “no that wasn’t how it was”. This did lead to behaviour of them trying to do it when Anth wasn’t around, I said to him “I don’t know what I did to deserve them being so cruel”, he would always pull me into his arms.
But he wouldn’t always tell me what I wanted to hear and would be truly honest with me. Being someone that has always only ever seen the bad in herself and would be loud as she just wanted someone to tell her she was a nice person. That could be hard, but he would always say that is why he loved me. This is when I realised my separation anxiety was more linked to my confidence and the fact he was the one that even though I did wrong, it’s ok someone is still going to love me. So when he leaves me even for work I wait for that day that he decides he has had enough of me going off my head for the smallest thing, his had enough of my proving someone is wrong, his had enough of my weird ways.
Yet, 15 years later and I still wait for the day he will walk out on me. This could all lead back to my blog about never feeling accepted because when you think about it that’s all we want from the people around and to be honest this is what makes social media dangerous. But then what are we doing for them children that in life don’t feel accepted. When they grow up if they didn’t meet the amazing man like I did they could end up in a lot of trouble. Because separation anxiety can make them feel like they are loved and cannot live without that person when it is not true.