At the moment the downstairs of my house is uninhabitable due to our flood the other day. Due to this the girls have gone to spend a few days with family. But I never realised how I have come to hate being alone.
I thought whilst our princesses are gone I would get so much done, but instead I find myself sad that their not around. This has made me question am I comfortable being alone.
When the girls were at school this was never an issue. I’ve also noticed it doesn’t matter who’s around just as long as I’m not alone.
Every noise I listen to and for, music on full so I don’t have to listen to the silence. Watching windows and doors for every little shadow. Knowing in my heart that this is fully unhealthy for me. But at same time wondering where this has come from.
I’ve always been paranoid when alone of something hurting me or our girls. But it seems that I’m more worried when our girls aren’t here. Not being able to reach Anth because of the job his in can make it harder.
Part of me knows this is after effects of social services involvement, even with a positive relationship doesn’t stop me being afraid of loosing my girls to them. As we know people’s lies can cause a lot of problems in appeal is of life.
I sit here telling myself I’m being silly and to look to my own children for example. Often they enjoy their alone time separated with their own activities. But then that brings me pride as my children aren’t burdened with me own insecurities.
I hope there isn’t much judgement on this, positive I’m not alone in feeling this way. The silliest bit is there is so many people I could go round and chill with.